Where has the time gone? We moved into our new house a few weeks ago, and this home has consumed almost all our time ever since! It takes a lot to put a house together, and of course life is still moving ahead full speed, so we often have to stop in the middle of projects because a friend needs our help with something, there’s a birthday party to attend, family coming in town, one of us gets sick, there are a gazillion wedding/baby showers for me to attend, and I’m working with my mom to plan my sister’s baby shower. And all of this during Lent, which naturally takes a lot of our attention as we prepare for Easter. It’s been chaotic, but it’s definitely a fun chaos. :)
That leads to my next point: planning my sister’s baby shower. This is my one and only sibling and she is pregnant with her first. I always knew I would love my nieces and nephews, but I guess I never imagined how exciting it would actually feel to be an aunt. I mean, this baby is not mine, yet I feel so attached to her already. It’s a very strange feeling, because, on the one hand, I have not seen my sister’s baby belly in person since she lives almost 700 miles away, so her pregnancy almost doesn’t seem real–it’s something we talk about, but it feels so distant to me–but on the other hand, I often find myself thinking about my niece, wondering what she will look like, what her personality will be like, how my relationship with her will unfold over the years, etc. I love planning parties and I love babies, so dreaming up ideas and buying decorations and gifts for this shower has been so much fun! In fact, just last night, my mom and I went to Target together to shop for gifts for a wedding shower we’re both attending this weekend, and while we were out, we just couldn’t help but go through the party supplies and baby clothes. Who doesn’t love to look at those precious little clothes and socks and shoes?! They are just too sweet.
For those of you suffering infertility like me, I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that I left Target last night feeling an empty space in my heart. And even this morning I woke up feeling a little gloomy. It’s hard to push those “what if’s” and negative thoughts out of our minds when everyone around us is having babies. I have SO many pregnant friends right now. I’m thrilled for all of them–truly–but it sure does hurt. My husband and I thought for sure we’d have 2 kids by now, yet here we are still awaiting the allusive big fat positive. Looking at clothes for my niece had me wondering if I would ever have children of my own for her to play with when they visit us. Actually, I had been thinking about that all weekend. You see, on Sunday, we had our goddaughter all day. We took her to mass with us and then went over to my mother-in-law’s house for lunch. Our goddaughter is the MUCH younger cousin of my husband (she’s 9 months old), so we took her to my mother-in-law’s house so she could spend some time with her grandma who was over there for lunch as well. Then, my MIL’s cousin came over with her 2 children (ages 3 and 1). Watching those 3 precious children play together in the living room was heart breaking for me. I know it seems ridiculous, but I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever have children to add to the group. And if we do have children, what if it’s too late. What if our kids are the ones left out because there are no kids their age in the family? I’m the youngest of 2 in my family, and my sister lives so far away, so our kids won’t see each other on a regular basis anyway. And my husband is the oldest in his family, but he’s much older than his siblings, so they won’t be getting married and having kids anytime soon. So that leaves our goddaughter and my husband’s second cousins. What if they are way older by the time we have kids (if that time ever comes)? Our kids will be too young to play with them and too old to play with my brother and sisters-in-law’s kids. I know–I’m really thinking way too much about this, but if you have ever struggled with infertility, you can probably relate to these silly fears.
On top of that, when we had our goddaughter Sunday, several people asked us after mass if we had adopted. I hope that means they don’t think poorly of us. I know it shouldn’t matter what others think of us because God knows our hearts and He obviously knows of this cross we bear, but I am constantly wondering what people at our church think of us. Surely people wonder why we still have no children after being married all this time. Do they assume we use birth control? Do they assume we don’t want children? What do they think?! And it’s always so awkward having get-togethers with friends, because we are literally the only couple without at least one child.
I’m still praying and hoping all these pills I take will do something soon. Last month was really disappointing. I’m still taking all the meds for my blood clotting disorder (see here), and I’m still taking the progesterone suppositories at the appropriate times, and I’m now back on Letrozole (in addition to my daily maca powder shakes) to increase my chances of a strong ovulation, yet, despite all that, I didn’t ovulate last month! Maybe it was the stress of moving, but you’d think with all I was doing to make myself fertile, I would have ovulated. My husband told me, “It’s just one month,” but for me it’s more like, “It’s ONE MORE month!” One more month with zero chances of achieving a pregnancy. One more month of waiting. One more month to mourn. I’m so ready to leave all this infertility junk behind us. I sure hope the Lord answers our prayers soon. When we first got married, I never could have imagined the struggle and despair we would have to endure, but I know deep down that it’s for our own good. As St. Teresa of Avila said, “We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.” I’m certainly not comparing myself to the saints whose trials were far greater than mine, but I do believe all our sufferings in life are for our refinement, so for that, I am grateful.