All Souls and Gratefulness

I’m so behind on posting, but I’ll try to catch up on everything in this one post.  Last Friday was All Saints Day, the day we remember those Christians who have gone on before us and who are now in heaven praying for us and worshiping the Lord, especially martyrs of the Church.  The day after was All Souls Day, the day we remember our loved ones who have passed away.  There are traditions all over the world pertaining to All Souls Day.  Folklore says God allows our loved ones to come and visit us on this one day every year.  That idea is what most of the All Souls Day traditions revolve around.  In Poland, people leave their windows open on this day to encourage the souls of their loved ones to come inside.  In Mexico, people bake all kinds of desserts decorated with brightly colored skulls and eat meals in the graveyards of their deceased relatives (Dia de Los Muertos).  Popular desserts for Dia de Los Muertos are sugar skulls and Pan de Muerto (bread of the dead), a sweet bread with “bones” on top.

In parts of Europe, people often eat Split Pea Soup (“Soul Soup”) on this day, and in Italy, many people bake Ossi di Morto (bones of the dead), which are simply almond cookies in the shapes of bones.

We decided to start some new traditions for our family for All Souls Day this year.  We awoke early to attend a Requiem Mass at our church.  We attend an oratory of the Institute of Christ the King Sovereign Priest, which only offers the Traditional Latin Mass based on the 1962 missal, so they still do formal requiem masses, which is an eerily beautiful thing.  This was our first requiem mass.  The church was dark with a large “casket” in the front covered in black cloth surrounded by tall gold candles, the priests donned black vestments, and even the acolytes were clothed in black and gold attire.  We attended high mass, yet there was no musical accompaniment to the beautifully ominous Gregorian Chant.  This requiem mass was a great way to keep things in perspective.  Life is so short.  Are we living holy lives?  What will happen to us when we die?  Are we ready?

Later that day, we came home and decorated chocolate cupcakes I had made the day before (based on this recipe, which is vegan and incredibly delicious!  I used the frosting recipe at that link as well–also delicious).  They turned out super cute, and the whole time we were decorating them I was dreaming of one day doing this with little ones.  I think it would make a great project for kids!

Choi’s cupcake designs

My cupcake designs

Finally, we ended our day with this yummy split pea soup, which I had put in the crock pot that morning before we left for mass.

This weekend, my husband and I went hiking at Hawn State Park in Missouri.  This was our second time there (our first time being YEARS ago with my parents), and I think this is our favorite hiking spot.  It has a little bit of everything.  Beautiful tall pine trees, clear water streams with an occasional waterfall, dirt paths, sand paths, and rocks you have to climb up and over to continue on the hike.  They have short trails and long trails (one trail that is a backpacking trail because it takes so long to get through it you have to stop and set up camp along the way).  It was such a peaceful, gorgeous day!  We couldn’t have asked for better hiking weather, and the colors of fall filled the woods.

 

Today has been a typical Sunday with church, lunch, and rest.  This morning’s sermon really spoke to me, too.  Earlier this week, I had an epiphany.  I realized that I’ve been viewing infertility all wrong.  Well, maybe not “all” wrong.  I mean, I’ve had my moments.  For example, I’ve written before about redemptive suffering and how when I start to feel sorry myself for being barren, I try to shift my focus by praying for unwanted aborted and abandoned children.  But aside from that, I tend to be very selfish in the way I view our struggle to conceive.  God knows what He’s doing.  I mean, maybe our infertility is a coincidence, but I came to the realization that more than likely, God is using this affliction for a greater good.  Maybe bearing the cross of infertility is our way of doing penance for past sins.  Maybe God has allowed this suffering to bring us closer to Him.  Or maybe He has allowed this so our focus would shift and we would start praying for aborted babies or abandoned or orphaned children more frequently and with more urgency.  I don’t know with certainty the purpose of this affliction, but I truly believe God has a bigger purpose for us in allowing us to suffer infertility.  I feel that today’s sermon affirmed my recent epiphany on the subject.  Our canon spoke about gratitude.  His background for the topic was based on gifts we’ve received over the years from our family and friends.  Sometimes we get a gift that we have wanted for a long time and we are incredibly excited and thankful that this person gave it to us.  Other times, we receive a gift that we don’t particularly like, but we are still grateful for the thought and motive the person had when getting this gift for us, and therefore we genuinely thank them for it.  I remember when I was a child I was so bratty!  I hated getting clothes for Christmas.  I could have cared less about new clothes as a kid, so I didn’t understand how people saw that as a “present”.  I just wanted toys.  I used to separate out all the clothing box shaped gifts at Christmas and open them last, because I knew I wouldn’t like them.  My parents would say, “Hey, why don’t you open one of those gifts?”  When I opened it (and it was inevitably clothes), I would say something to the effect of “Ugh!  Clothes again!”  Yeah, I was a brat.  Anyway, the fact is, I should have been grateful for those presents.  Sure, I didn’t like them, but I needed those clothes, and the adults in my life knew that.  Our canon reminded us this morning that we may not always like the gifts God gives us–we may not even realize they are gifts (as may be the case with my infertility)–but we ought to be grateful for them, because He knows we need them.  Maybe my barrenness is leading me to holiness.  It certainly causes me to fall to my knees often, to pray for the most vulnerable of the world more frequently, and to seek the Lord’s will with more fervor.   Our priest said, “If you are not grateful for His past gifts, why would God give you more?”  He told us gratitude isn’t just a feeling we have when we get something we like.  It’s an attitude, a habit we form.  We must always be grateful for the gifts God gives us, especially if we hope to be blessed further.  That doesn’t mean I can’t pray for God to open my womb.  Infertility may be a gift in the sense that God is using it to make us holy, but if He were to miraculously heal me and bless us with children, that would obviously be a gift as well.  So, my goal is to try my hardest to look at infertility like I now look at those gifts of clothing I received every Christmas and birthday as a child.  I may not particularly love the gift itself, but I ought to be incredibly grateful for the thought behind it, because God knows what I really need and He means well for me.

I hope you’ve all had a wonderful Sunday!  I’ll be writing more soon.  This week, I have my blood drawn on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to check my progesterone levels and see how quickly they drop as my cycle comes to an end, as well as to test for a blood clotting disorder.  I’ll keep you updated as I acquire my results.

Suffering Gracefully

While lately I’ve been feeling a little sad about the fact that couples my age all around me are moving on to having their 2nd children while we are still pleading with God for our first, a beautiful elderly woman at mass this morning stopped me in my tracks.  She was clearly in pain throughout the entire mass.  Every time we knelt or stood from kneeling, she was a few steps behind because she had to move so slowly.  Her quivering hands would squeeze the pew to keep her from falling, and she often used her other hand to help lift her legs up.  Yet she kept on going.  Despite her obvious suffering, she genuflected at the appropriate times, she did all the up-downs throughout the mass, and she even remained kneeling for the Consecration.  For those of you unfamiliar with Catholic mass, particularly the old rite (Traditional Latin Mass), which we attend, then you should know we kneel for a long time at this point in the mass.  I’m young and even my knees get a little sore after this time.  But she knelt before our Lord with such grace.  It was really beautiful to see.

This woman was sitting in the pew in front of us this morning, so we had to wait for her to leave her pew for Holy Communion before we could go.  In a Traditional Latin Mass, everyone goes forward and kneels at an altar rail to receive the Eucharist.  People just go forward and kneel in a row, and the priests go back and forth distributing the Eucharist as people come and go.  It took this poor woman so long to put up her kneeler and stand to leave the pew that the right side of the kneeling rail (where all of us were supposed to be) was empty.

Image from sanctamissa.org

My husband offered to help her forward, so she held his hand tightly and grabbed a hold of each pew to balance herself on the way up.  He helped her kneel for Communion, and then he helped her back to her pew after we had all received our Lord.  She was sitting in the 4th pew from the front, but Communion was completely over by the time they made it back (which is really saying something since there were probably 600 people there and we were all sitting in the 4th and 5th pews from the front).  She slowly knelt back down to pray, and she even knelt after mass for some time to pray before leaving.

I was incredibly inspired by this woman, because her faith gave her the determination she needed to push through her pain, overlooking her suffering, in order to give God the reverence due Him.  Her faith and dedication must be so beautiful to God.  And it reminded me that there is something much bigger than my suffering.  God deserves much more than my complaining.  I need to shift my focus in order to glorify God with my life, because the suffering of this world will not last forever.  This world is only a temporary home, so it is far more beneficial to focus on those things which will last into eternity–such as my salvation and the salvation of those around me, or fighting for those without a voice in this world, or serving the least of these.  Those are the things that will matter in eternity, not the suffering that comes with infertility.

My God, my God, Why Have You Abandoned Me?

I don’t know why, but the past several days have been really hard for me.  I feel overwhelmingly sad.  My heart is filled with sorrow.  I completely understand how Rachel (from the Bible) felt when she said, “Give me children, otherwise I shall die” (Gen. 30:1).  She suffered infertility alongside her sister, Leah, who had several children.  What joy pregnancy should bring to people’s lives, but when you are barren and continually hear pregnancy announcements from women around you, it hurts–really bad.  It’s not that we aren’t happy for the new life that is about to enter this world, or for the joy that the parents feel; it’s just really hard not to feel jealous, because each pregnancy we see is a reminder of our empty nest and of the very real possibility that we may never have children.  No one can fully understand the suffering we endure until they’ve been in our shoes.  It hurts so bad our hearts literally ache with despair.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t help but blame myself for our struggle to conceive.  For one thing, I am the only one with fertility impairments.  My husband is perfectly healthy–healthy weight, healthy diet, high sperm count, and, most importantly, healthy sperm.  Meanwhile, my hormones are all out of whack with no known reason making ovulation difficult for me, and my immune system attacks and either impairs or kills sperm before they can pass through my cervix.  IUI was as far as we were willing to go, medically speaking, and it never worked for us.  Conceiving a baby seems virtually impossible for us.  Where is our hope?  Surely our hope is in the Lord.  Surely He sees our suffering and will respond by blessing us with many children…right?  The only way I will become pregnant is through a miracle from God, but that has yet to happen.  That leads me to believe I must have done something awful that provoked God to close up my womb.  I’ve confessed every sin in my life I’m aware of, and I’ve prayed continuously for God to have mercy on us, to forgive us, and to bless us, but still no baby.  I know my thought process is absolutely ridiculous.  God isn’t punishing me for anything.  I mean, look at Zacharias and Elizabeth.  “And they were both just before God, walking in all the commandments and justifications of the Lord without blame.  And they had no son, for Elizabeth was barren” (Luke 1:6-7).  Elizabeth and Zacharias were righteous in God’s eyes, yet her womb was also closed up (for a time, anyway).  I must get past this way of thinking, but it’s so hard.

I continue to pray, but it often feels like I’m praying to a wall.  My prayers over the past 2 years have changed a bit.  I went from praying for a baby, to praying for the means to adopt, to praying for an increase of faith and that God would show us His will–and if His will is not for us to have children, then I ask that He would bring peace to our hearts and remove the pangs of sorrow we feel at not having any physical fruit of our love.  But no answer.  Still no biological baby, we are still unable to adopt at this time, and I am far from feeling at peace about all of this.  My heart HURTS so bad!  I relate really well to David in his psalm when he said, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?  Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish?  My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief” (Psalm 22:2-3).  David took the words right out of my mouth.  I didn’t know I was capable of bearing this much suffering 2 years ago.  I understand now why psychologists say barren couples report anxiety and depression similar to that expressed by people with AIDS.  For women in particular, when we are told we may never be able to have children, it’s like a part of us dies.  I know that sounds extreme, but it’s true.  Pregnancy is one of those things we take for granted when we’re younger.  Every little girl dreams of having children one day, talks about baby names with her friends, and gets excited when someone they know is expecting.  I think we all just assume we’ll have our own one day, so when that innocent dream is ripped out of our hearts, it leaves a deep and lasting hole that nothing else can fill.

I’m not really sure my point in writing this post.  I guess I just needed to write out my feelings with the hope that some of you may understand how I feel.  Some days (some weeks, even) are just HARD.  Other weeks I feel hopeful and more positive, but sometimes the realization that all our efforts and prayers may be futile hits me like a brick.  Reality is sometimes quite devastating.

One sweet story I can share involves a priest we don’t even know.  We attend a traditional Latin parish, so the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) is offered throughout mass so that everyone who wants/needs to has a chance to confess their sins before receiving Jesus in Holy Communion.  In order to facilitate this, priests from other local parishes often come in to hear confessions before mass begins (and before they need to get to their parishes for mass) in an effort to hear as many confessions as possible BEFORE mass begins so that we don’t miss out.  My husband and I both went to confession this past Sunday, and we ended up going to the confessional with a visiting priest.  We have no clue who he was, but when my husband told him about our journey of infertility and how difficult this past week has been for us, the priest told him, “you and your wife will be with me at the altar this morning during mass,” meaning he planned to say the mass with our intentions in mind.  That was really sweet of him, especially since he has never met us or even seen us face to face before!  Maybe it will take others praying for us in order for God to finally answer our cries to Him.

I may also add what this priest told me, though it really has nothing to do with this post.  At some point in my confession, I mentioned that my husband and I had been very crabby with one another last week because it was such a stressful week.  I talked for a while after that, but after all was finished, the priest made a point to thank me.  He said, “Before you go, I just want to thank you.  You mentioned that you and your husband have been crabby with one another this week, and that just reaffirmed my celibacy.”  Haha.  Gotta love a good laugh after humbly confessing all your sins to both God and a priest.  🙂

Our Weekend

So much to say.  Last week when I went to the chiropractor, he told me that my uterus finally felt “strong” and that my pelvis was still aligned properly.  🙂  Very good news.  I hope this will increase our chances of having biological children one day.  I’m also thinking about seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility later this summer.  Have any of you had success with an acupuncturist before?

This past weekend my sister and brother-in-law came to visit from New Orleans where he is a seminary student (they are not Catholic).  It was such a great visit!  I’ve sorely missed my sister.  I wish we lived closer, but I guess that’s part of growing up.  Anyway, their visit was incredibly short, so we had a packed schedule this weekend.  They arrived Friday morning, and our husbands and our dad took us out shooting.  It was my first time ever shooting a gun, and the experience reminded me that I desperately need to schedule an eye exam.  Haha.  It was fun, though.

Saturday morning we had quite an adventure!  We sometimes go to the Soulard Farmer’s Market in downtown St. Louis, but we decided while my sister was in town we’d try out a smaller farmer’s market in Tower Grove Park, because they have several food trucks that sell breakfast foods on Saturday mornings.  It was our first time going, so we weren’t sure where to go, and this park is fairly large.  As soon as pulled in through the main gates of the park, we saw tons of white tents set up, so we parked and headed over.  It was the strangest farmer’s market I’d ever been to.  We saw tons of tie-dye shirts, tarot card readers, dream interpreters, a drum circle, and an interesting piece of jewelry–a necklace that attaches to nipple rings.  The nipple ring necklace was what finally made us wonder if we were in the right place.  Turns out we were walking through the “Pagan Picnic.”  Haha.  We escaped as quickly as we could and ran to the car to drive further through the park until we found the real farmer’s market!

Anyway, I was sad to say goodbye to my sister this morning.  We never get enough time together.  But, I had places to go today, too.  Choi and I met with the sacristan of the church we’ve been visiting to take a tour of the church and learn how we can get more involved in the life of the parish.  We are so blessed to have a church that only offers the Traditional Latin Mass, and it is full of young families–and diverse families at that.  It’s so funny how we found this church.  We used to drive by it every Sunday when we were in high school, because we took Choi’s mom to the Vietnamese markets on Sunday afternoons (in case you haven’t been reading my blog for a long time, my husband and I have been together since I was 14 and he was 15).  We always thought it was a beautiful church–the Gothic architecture is amazing!  In fact, we liked the outside of the church building so much that we stopped by when we were having our engagement photos done years ago to take a few pictures on the steps outside the church.  Fast forward many years, and about a month and a half ago as we were driving by this same gorgeous church on the way to our church, my husband mentioned how he would really like to go to mass there sometime since we’ve always wondered what the inside of the church looks like.  We decided to be spontaneous and made a quick turn so we could go to mass there that day.  We didn’t even know this church only offered the Traditional Latin Mass (which we fell in love with the first time we experienced it last spring when we were still living in Alabama) until we went that day.  We felt right at home from the get go, and we haven’t been able to stop going since.  It feels like we’ve had a long relationship with this church despite the fact that we’ve only been attending mass there for a month.  We’ve driven by this church regularly for so many years and even have pictures of it from long ago, so it’s sort of been in our lives without us really realizing it!  It’s such a cool part of our story, I guess.  We can’t wait to get involved there.

This church offers so much for children; I hope with all my heart that we will one day have children to add to their numbers.

Silence and an Update

My blog is in desperate need for an update!  I have been so busy these past couple of weeks that I’ve neglected blogging for a while.

Where to begin…  Well, my husband, who has been unemployed for the past 7 months (which is really saying something considering I do not work outside the home), was given the opportunity to work part time at a restaurant run by a family friend.  It’s not the most glamorous job and it doesn’t bring in a lot of money, but it has been a huge blessing to us in this long interim.  And in bigger news, the job we’ve been waiting for all this time is finally about ready for him.  He should be starting in July or August, though we’re told they are striving for July.  We are finally beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel!  We have been stressed beyond belief these past months, but I can honestly say that God has not forsaken us (even though it felt that way at times).  He has provided for us all along the way, and He has given us what we need for peace of mind every time we feel we’re at our wits end and beg Him for a sign that He’s still with us.

If only I felt the same way about our infertility.  I have yet to feel at peace about not being able to have children, but we’re seeking God’s will each and every day.  Hopefully one day we will understand why He made us wait so long and suffer so much for our children (assuming He blesses us with any children at all).  I’m reminded of a reflection by the late Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan in the collection of his reflections he wrote while in prison for his faith titled Prayers of Hope, Words of Courage.

He wrote:

 

I will let you act, Lord. 

May listening to your Word, who is Christ, enrich my life. 

There is nothing you cannot do, Lord.

You made Abraham and Sarah,

Zachariah and Elizabeth fruitful.

Silence!

When you act, we must be silent and listen…

When you are here, we must be silent,

abandon our worries,

and conquer our hesitation.

The sign that God is at work,

is that the people of this world

are reduced to silence.

To act in me, Lord,

you require that I be silent,

like Mary and Joseph.

I will let you speak, Lord,

for as long as you wish,

in the way you wish,

and at the hour you wish,

because, Lord Jesus,

you are the Word itself.

You will speak when your hour has come.

Perhaps one must wait thirty years…

Indeed, you began to preach

only after Joseph’s death.

But the last word, Lord, will be yours.

 

God still works miracles, and He still makes Himself known to us, but we must first LISTEN for His voice!  That means we must stop doing the talking for a change.  When you are desperately longing for children, it’s hard to stop begging God to create a child within you long enough to sit in silence, waiting for His reply.  I am doing my best to silence the world around me and the thoughts within my head so I can listen for God’s voice, but it is so hard!

One thing that is really helping me is we are currently visiting St. Francis de Sales Oratory, a church in St. Louis that only offers the Traditional Latin Mass.  We have fallen madly in love with the Traditional Latin Mass.  Its beauty is enough to take your breath away, and I love that it encourages both diversity and unity all at once.  For noncatholics, let me explain.  The ordinary form of the mass is in the vernacular–that was a change made in the 1960’s with the Second Vatican Council.  Before Vatican II, Catholic masses were always said in Latin, with the homily being said in the vernacular.  (Before that, mass was said in Greek.)  The Latin mass has continued post Vatican II in what’s called the extraordinary form of the mass.  The reason I say it encourages both diversity and unity is because people from all over the world can come together in one church to pray the Latin mass and still understand what’s going on and worship together, because one language is being used worldwide.  And it’s a dead language, so words and phrases can never evolve into new meanings like in living languages.  I think it’s absolutely incredible!  By knowing the Latin mass, I can go into a church in any part of the world that offers the extraordinary form of the mass and fully understand and worship along with the people there.  Wow!  That just blows my mind.

(St. Francis de Sales Oratory, St. Louis)

I also feel the Latin mass encourages reverence and silent prayer.  Reverence, because women wear long modest skirts and veils cover our hair when in the church out of respect for Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, and there is silence in the church before and after mass.  In addition, confession is offered before EVERY mass, and there is always a long line, which shows the people there take sin very seriously.  Also, many people don’t like that there are fewer responses in the Latin mass as compared to the ordinary form of the mass, but I like that, because I am involved in mass in a totally different way.  Pope St. Pius X once said, “Don’t pray at Holy Mass, but pray the Holy Mass.”  When attending the extraordinary form of the mass, many people bring a missal with them so they can follow along, but even if you don’t have one, churches usually have booklets for you to follow the mass step by step, typically with explanations on the sides of the pages.  It contains both the Latin and English side by side, and all the prayers said by the priest, whether aloud or to himself, are written out in the booklet so you can pray along with him.  I love that!  We are so blessed to have a parish in our area that offers the Traditional Latin Mass!

Going to the Latin mass and learning to “pray the Holy Mass”, as Pope St. Pius X said, is helping me to learn the art of silence before God.  I hope He will eventually break the silence and speak into my heart.  I want to see the big picture of my life that God sees.  Just a glimpse of it.  But if I knew what God had planned for my future, I guess there would be no such thing as blind faith or hope.  And so, I silently wait for God to act.