I am so full of anger today. I keep trying to push down my feelings and accept that things are the way they are, but it’s so hard not to be upset. Why do I keep seeing couples I know get married, get pregnant almost immediately after, and then their lives seem to go on like a beautiful fairytale? Why didn’t this happen for us? Why have things been so difficult for us? When we first got married, God seemed to really bless us. We were overwhelmed with gracious gifts, had good jobs, and were filled with hopes for our future. But then, not long into our marriage when we decided to try to conceive our first child, our nightmare began. Months of not ovulating, lots of painful and/or humiliating tests, more bad news than I could have ever dreamed of, a devastating miscarriage, and a complete loss of hope. Why me? I know to ask that question makes me seem selfish and spiritually immature, but I don’t care. That’s honestly the question on my heart and I just want an answer! What I have done in my life that is so bad I have to go through this? Some people tell me this is God’s plan for me, but if that’s the case, why does He want me to suffer? Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing something? Because if I am, I would like to know so I could do the right thing. Even if God didn’t want me to have any children, I think I could be more content if I only knew why, and if I could know what purpose He does have for me instead. I’m just SO mad right now. Especially since I have seen a gazillion people on Facebook posting pregnancy announcements this Christmas season. Why can’t that be me?????
To make things worse, my husband and I prayed for months about where God wanted to take us next. We had planned on moving to Vietnam in 2012, but every door we saw slammed closed in our faces. We were truly at a loss. That had been our plan for so long, and we really believed that’s what God wanted for us, but nothing ever worked out. After much prayer, we felt led to come to the place we never thought we would return to. We had mixed feelings about it, but we felt so strongly that this was the right thing that we moved to the St. Louis area (where our families live) without any prospects. We had faith that if we followed God without asking questions, then He would surely provide for us. I suppose He has provided our needs, because we are currently staying with my parents, but it’s been a couple of months now and not a single application has yielded a return call or an interview. We have no income, no friends, no network, nothing. It’s so incredibly frustrating, because we thought we were doing the right thing. It feels like we followed God here and then He abandoned us.
I know it’s wrong to be angry with God, and I really wish I was so far along spiritually that I continued to trust God through anything, but sadly, I’m not. I’m trying really hard–I promise I am–but I feel so weighed down. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. God must think much more of me than I think of myself, because I feel totally and completely overwhelmed. All I could say to God at church this morning was, “God have mercy on me. Help my unbelief! I’m drowning here. Please help me.”
Have you ever felt abandoned by God? What did you do to keep your head up? What eased your anger and frustration during that dark time in your life?
This Luminous Road I Travel 
sorry to read you are going through this. I am having a similar struggle and feeling the same anger and upset. It’s understandable to feel this way. This sort of anger doesnt last forever and I have hope that it will change and we will get our happiness as mothers one day. You are not alone.
Thank you. It’s always good to know you’re not alone. Sometimes when I share my despair about this with people, they say things like, “It will happen one day.” or “Don’t worry. You still have plenty of time.” But who can really say those things? We don’t know that it will happen and we don’t know that I still have time. It’s so frustrating, but I appreciate hearing from people, like you, who know how this feels. Thanks for your comment.
Hi, I know you probably heard this over and over, but im really sorry for your difficult times.
Not only are you having trouble with the route youre life is taking but you also had to suffer through a miscarriage.
Two weeks ago i also had a miscarriage. I keep telling myself over and over again that this is the way it had to be. And God knows what he’s doing. But I think its only human to be angry with the world.
everyone does say “it will happen one day” or “dont worry” but that just aggrivates you ferther. I understand that too.
I think one of the most frustrating things is when people tell you that and in your head you’re saying “easy for you to say, you’ve never had a miscarriage.” or “easy for you to say, you already have kids”
Do little thing’s bring up emotion with you?
We would get little packages from family overseas with baby gifts. They can’t help that the package was still on it’s way during the miscarriage. but it certainly does hurt when you see a little pair of socks in the mail. or a stuffed toy.
I have a lot of friends who are pregnant too, one actually had her baby today. I try my best to not let it bother me, and usually it doesn’t.
But last week I found out a friend of ours is 12 weeks pregnant. she would only be two weeks behind me if I still was. That brought up a lot of emotion. after i got off the phone all i could do was cry.
We try to “get over it” or “move on” but those selfish thoughts still linger.
Why me?
or
This is not fair.
I think that it’s only human to think that way, maybe a coping mechanism. I heard this week that a girl i know had her baby (with a guy she only met a few weeks before she got pregnant.)… all i can think is “i had everything ready, i was careful, i waited until the right time, with the right guy” And SHE gets to have a baby?
Im sorry you have to listen to me vent. But it feels good to write out my feelings. and especially to someone who undestands what it’s like. and feels the same.
All im trying to say, is that you arent alone.
I understand all those selfish thoughts and the anger and sadness.
anyway,
thanks for listening. im here if you need to vent back 😉
Linda
Yes! I understand completely. I know a woman who is pregnant with a married man’s baby (and he’s not married to her!). I know we shouldn’t question God in His creation, but what the heck??? Why does He allow women to have babies who don’t even want them, yet He chooses not to bless many of us with motherhood who want it so bad it aches in our souls? I, too, know lots of women who have recently had babies or who are pregnant, and although I am genuinely happy for those women, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy and frustration toward God.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. I know that pain all too well. I think the pain of my miscarriage far outweighed the pain of infertility, because we were SO close. You go through all the excitement and start planning and dreaming, and then it’s all taken away in an instant. It’s totally and completely devastating and nothing that anyone says or does can take away that pain. All I can say is allow yourself to feel those feelings and to cry as hard as you want. Of course life has to move on, but you deserve to mourn your loss, and your baby’s life deserves to be honored. Have you considered naming the baby? My husband and I named our baby after our miscarriage, and that was very healing for us. I believe all life is beautiful and deserves to be recognized and honored no matter how long or short that life was. I’m not sure your religious affiliation, but we were also blessed by a priest after our miscarriage and a mass was said in our honor. Don’t be afraid to cry or to talk to people about your loss. I found that to be very healing.
Feel free to talk to me anytime. I can definitely relate to your pain.
I have no words, but there is nothing wrong with being honest to God. He knows what is in your heart and I have been there, too. yelling out “Where are you?” Why have you forgotten about me? Blogs are a great and healthy way to vent.
Wow, a woman having a married man’s baby! crazy.
We did have names picked out for a boy or girl, we had this weird feeling that it was a boy as soon as we found out we were pregnant. But we would still like to reuse the names. It feels a little weird to reuse the boys name. But were still hoping that one day we’ll make it through a pregnancy.
Its good advice to feel those feelings and let myself cry. I tryed so hard to just bottle it up and get over it. But then at one point everything comes out anyway.
– and it does make you feel better.
How long had you been trying? Do you and your husband plan to keep trying?
Our doc said that we should wait a few months. Its annoying to have to wait. I try to put my energy and thoughts to something else but with the slow christmas season its hard to do so. I also wonder when my body will turn back to normal and my periods will start again. I hope it doesnt take too long.
Did you do any tests to see why it happened? They told us not to worry about doing any tests right now. But if it happends again we can talk about finding out why.
I can’t help but think about if i did something wrong during my pregnancy. Carried something too heavy or did too much.
Anyway
TTYL
Linda
No, we never learned for certain why we miscarried. I miscarried pretty early on, so the doctor believed the baby had not implanted correctly and that I was only getting positive pregnancy tests because of the hormones left in my system. We didn’t even get to hear a heartbeat.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half now. Shortly after my miscarriage, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (a fertility specialist) to see why I was having such a hard time getting pregnant. My miscarried pregnancy only occurred after 6 months on Clomid. At the RE, I was monitored closely via ultrasounds and given different types of medications and told exactly when to have sex based on what the ultrasounds showed was happening inside of me to see if I could get pregnant that way, and that wasn’t working. So, after running lots of tests, I was diagnosed with infertility and told that I produce an antibody to sperm. Basically, my immune system sees sperm as an intruder in my body that must be killed, so the sperm don’t even have a chance to pass through my cervix before they die. Our only hopeful option was IUI, which we tried a few times with no success. Most insurance companies don’t cover treatments like that, mine included, so we used up all our savings on it. Even though we can’t afford to continue with the fertility treatments at this time, I continue to use an ovulation predictor each month in the hopes that we could conceive naturally, but I have yet to ovulate without medication. So, I guess you could say we are still trying to conceive in that we can’t ignore our desire to be parents so I keep peeing on sticks and praying that, by the grace of God, we will somehow get pregnant on our own, but unfortunately we are not physically capable of that at this point in time. I’m not sure what’s next for us. Maybe adoption; maybe more rounds of IUI. Either way, we’ll have to wait a while, because we’ll have to save up the money for it all over again. I would do just about anything to be a mom, though. I’m sure you can relate. I guess we can’t all have a beautiful, sunny path to motherhood.
Best wishes to you. When did your doctor say you can start trying again? Had you been trying for a while before you miscarried?
Thats a long time to be trying. Im glad you got some information about it from your doctor. I bet its hard to try so long and get such bad news.
Technology has come a long way in the last 10 years. I bet after you save up some money you can go into a new program. Until then, i pray for you and wish you lots of luck, you really seem like you would be a good mother.
We had been talking about having kids for around a year and a half. But my husband finally decided he was ready and we started trying. We were only trying for two weeks when i missed my period. we were suprised that it happened so fast. But we were overjoyed. I dont know if it was just a happy accident that it happend so fast but i hope it happends that fast again the next time we try. 🙂 its annoying that all we can do is try and hope.
The doctors are a little confusing as to what they want me to do.
My obgyn said that we should wait one or two periods. (she perfered 2)
I dont know how long it takes me to get my first period. I havent had it yet.
The ER doc said to wait 6 months. (he was a man, OBVIOUSLY) he wouldnt understand a womans need and want to have a child. (that advice went in one ear and out the other)
anyway, i guess we can only hope, prey, and wait.
TTYL (i have to go help my hubbie feed calves, gotta go)
Linda
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I really do wish the best for you.