Sowing in Tears; Reaping with Shouts of Joy

I’m sure my regular readers have noticed that I’m not writing as frequently as I normally do.  It’s just that I don’t have much to say these days.  I have a lot on my mind, but for some reason I have been unable to fully express my thoughts and emotions.  Let me do a quick recap for you on the past 2 years of my life.  My husband, Choi, and I started trying to conceive using the natural family planning method we had been using to avoid pregnancy called the Creighton Model.  We quickly noticed something was “off” in my charts.  I never really had symptoms of fertility, so I decided to start using ovulation predictor kits along with my charting, and sure enough, I wasn’t ovulating.  After 6 months of never getting a positive surge, I went to see my OB-GYN.  She did an exam and ran some tests and decided to put me on Clomid.  While the Clomid did make me ovulate, it also gave me awful side effects and caused me to stop producing fertile mucus, which naturally decreased my chances of conceiving.  Despite our setbacks, we did miraculously conceive a baby last March, but I miscarried mere weeks later.  After 6 months on Clomid and a few other tests, my doctor referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Long story short, after much monitoring and some new medications, I still wasn’t pregnant and we still weren’t sure exactly what was wrong.  My RE finally discovered I produce antisperm antibodies, which means my immune system attacks sperm before they can pass through the cervix.  So, the RE told us our best chances (in fact, one of the nurses said our *only chances) of getting pregnant would be through IUI.  We had a few failed cycles of IUI, the last being back in November, so we have now moved on to trying alternative medicines.  I started consuming maca root powder on a daily basis a few months ago, and it has helped me ovulate regularly without any medications.  Now I am on a search for a way to correct my antisperm antibodies problem.  (To be continued…)

Anyway, in the midst of all this, we started praying that God would show us what our next step in life should be.  We got so caught up in the devastation of infertility that we started to neglect the calling we believe God had for us.  I have known I would help Vietnamese people since I was just 12 years old (at that time, I had never even met a Vietnamese person nor did I know a thing about the U.S. being part of a war there).  I met my husband, who is from Vietnam, when I was 14, and we have been best friends and partners in life ever since.  He, too, wanted to return to his homeland to help the people there.  In fact, he always thought he would return to the village his family lives in.  The same year we started trying to conceive, we were in the preliminary stages of planning our move to Vietnam.  We were praying about when we would move, we were researching the needs in the village we had planned to move to, and we had even made some phone calls and were saving the money for our journey overseas.  But God never opened a door for us to go.  Our hearts were already weak from our struggle with infertility and our deep desire to become parents, but this was too much.  It truly shattered us.  So we spent 6 months praying about what God wanted us to do.  Where were we to go?  What were we to do?  Surely God had not changed a calling he had placed on my heart at such a young age.  What did He want from us?

Much to our surprise, we had a vision of us opening a non-profit in St. Louis that would offer help to both Vietnamese immigrants in the U.S. as well as to street children in Vietnam (which is where we had planned on focusing our efforts if we had moved to Vietnam).  In fact, I kept having dreams about this ministry, and it was all we could think about for months.  Neither of us had ever imagined in a million years that we would ever move back to the St. Louis area.  Our hearts were in Vietnam.  But, a door opened, and that door led us to the Midwest.  Choi had a kind of temporary job to go to when we arrived in Illinois (we moved in with my parents who live just across the river from St. Louis, which was also supposed to be temporary), so we really thought the time was right, God was going to take care of us, and He was going to do great things through us.  Unfortunately, AFTER we arrived in Illinois, the place we thought Choi would be working at while he looked for a more permanent job fell through–business was slower than usual for this time of year, so they couldn’t afford to have him work there.  We were definitely shocked, but we were so certain that we had done the right thing in moving here that we believed he would find a new job quickly.  But he didn’t.  We have now been without an income for almost 5 months.  Our savings are almost completely gone, the job outlook remains bleak, and we are getting very worried.

Here’s the confusion: We prayed so long about this move and truly believed in our hearts that this was the right thing to do.  We had a vision!  What happened to that???  Was that not from God?  Was that our dream?  How can that be since we never wanted to stay in the U.S.?  It must have been from God.  But if that’s the case, then why hasn’t He provided Choi with a good job?  What have we done wrong to deserve all the suffering we have endured over the last year and a half?  No baby, no job, no home of our own, no purpose in life at all.

This is why I haven’t been writing much lately.  I am in such a state of sadness and confusion that I don’t know what to say.  And without an income, nothing exciting really goes on in our lives anymore.  My parents live way out from the city, so we can’t go out together, we can’t go out and make new friends, we can’t even do volunteer work, because just driving back and forth to get to my in-law’s house, the grocery store, our church, etc. uses so much of our gas and our savings have evaporated so fast that we don’t want to go anywhere unless we absolutely have to.  The most exciting thing we do is ride bikes together with our dog running alongside us 2 times a day.  Not to mention, this is supposed to be a blog about my journey through infertility, and right now, that’s the least of my worries.  Of course I cry all the time, desperately wishing I could be a mother (and yes, I often suffer from facebook jealousy), but at this point, I cry more for an income than for a baby.  How can we expect a baby when God won’t even provide my husband with a job?!  It’s so discouraging.  It’s like we’re going backwards rather than forward in life.

All that to say, this weekend God did speak to me.  I still don’t understand why He brought us here without providing a job, and I am still unsure if we are doing the right thing or not, but I do believe He gave me a message of hope this weekend.  Friday morning, I woke up thinking about the Israelites.  Man, there journey to the Promised Land was filled with struggle.  They often wondered where God was and why He wasn’t making things easier for them, yet in the end, it all worked out.  God’s chosen people did eventually reach the Promised Land, and despite a very tumultuous history, God continued to care for His people.  Later that morning, I got an email from my mom.  She wrote, “I was reading Exodus 17 where the people were thirsty because there was no water.  They were experiencing a great need – they had a very REAL problem – but they were right where God had led them.  You are here now and believe you and Choi are following the path God put you on – and that is probably the case.  The fact that you are having problems right now doesn’t mean you aren’t right smack in the middle of God’s will for you.  God must have a plan to deliver you, so hold on tight.”  I decided to look up the passage for myself:

From the desert of Sin the whole Israelite community journeyed by stages, as the LORD directed, and encamped at Rephidim. Here there was no water for the people to drink.  They quarreled, therefore, with Moses and said, “Give us water to drink.” Moses replied, “Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you put the LORD to a test?”

Here, then, in their thirst for water, the people grumbled against Moses, saying, “Why did you ever make us leave Egypt? Was it just to have us die here of thirst with our children and our livestock?”  …..  The place was called Massah and Meribah, because the Israelites quarreled there and tested the LORD, saying, “Is the LORD in our midst or not?”

In the end, God did provide the people with water from an unlikely source–He commanded Moses to strike a rock and water came out from it “in abundance” for them.  I definitely relate to the Israelites.  I have been asking, “Is the LORD in our midst or not?”  In fact, just last week I told my husband that it seems like God is playing a sick joke on us.  Miscarriage, infertility, no income, no friends (at least not in our new home yet).  After our miscarriage, people kept telling us, ‘Don’t worry!  God will give you another child.’  I’m still waiting for that to happen.  Then, when I was diagnosed with infertility, people kept saying that if we had enough faith, God would give us a child.  I don’t know how much more faith we could have had when we went against what we thought we would do for years and instead moved to St. Louis with no guarantees.  Yet, things have gotten worse, not better.  Now we have no kids AND no income!  And no friends to hang out with.  😦

I know we can relate to the Israelites, but I just hope our story will end as well as theirs did.  I pray that God will gives us the “water” we’ve been praying for and that He will use us to fulfill the vision He put on our hearts.  The Psalm from this morning’s mass (which I also randomly came across Friday after reading about the Israelites needing water) says, “Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like the watercourses in the Negeb!  May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy!  He that goes forth weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.”  When the Israelites did finally arrive in the Promised Land, times were hard.  They were still struggling amid depressing circumstances, but they prayed and hoped that God would once again bless them, and He did.  May the same be true for us.  If history teaches us anything, then it’s that God loves to be the prince in shining armor who rushes in at our weakest moments to lift us up.  Right now I am sowing in tears, but I trust that eventually (even though it may not be anytime soon), I will reap with shouts of joy.  And I cannot wait for that day to come!  Good will surely come from this time of hardship, and when it does, I will be shouting for joy everywhere I go.

Systemic Enzymes for Infertility

I am quite new to the world of alternative medicine, but based on my personal experiences and stories from people I know, I have quickly become a firm believer in this stuff.  For me, it all started last spring when my cardiologist recommended I take Coenzyme Q10 for my heart arrhythmia rather than taking expensive prescription pills.  Co-Q10 is not the cheapest supplement to buy; however, it really does work to soothe my arrhythmia (and at a much cheaper price than traditional medication along with far less possible side effects).  That experience led me to seeking alternative treatments for my infertility.  I’ve tried several different things for various fertility-related issues.  For example, when I was on Clomid, the medication caused my body to stop producing fertile mucus, so I took sustained release vitamin B-6.  More recently, I have written some blog posts about my use of maca root powder to induce ovulation naturally since I am no longer on any fertility drugs.  As disgusting as the stuff tastes, it continues to work!

The one fertility issue I have not tried alternative remedies for is my antisperm antibodies.  Last summer, my reproductive endocrinologist discovered that my immune system produces antibodies that attack sperm when they enter my body.  The sperm do not even survive long enough to pass through the cervix, making it impossible to conceive a baby.  Because of this, my husband and I tried a few rounds of IUI with no success.  Since then, we have stopped taking fertility drugs and are trying other options.  The maca root has been the major difference.  Without it, I do not ovulate.  Maca powder is created from a root, so it is completely natural and has no major side effects.  Just add it to food–1 Tbsp a day.  Some people say it gives them an upset stomach, but I have never experienced that myself.  It tastes AWFUL, but if you have anovulatory cycles and do not want to take synthetic drugs, then I suggest you give it a try.  I had several side effects from the few medications my reproductive endocrinologist put me on, such as hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, and lack of cervical mucus, but I have had no issues with the maca root powder.  Without fixing the issue of anovulation, I would have no reason to target the antibody issue, because ovulation is like step 1 in conceiving a baby.  So, now that I have fixed my anovulatory cycles, I have been searching for ways to treat my antisperm antibodies.  This week, I discovered that systemic enzymes may treat the problem.

The most concise article I have found on the subject of systemic enzymes to treat infertility has been by Hethir Rodriguez, C.M.T. on natural_fertility_info.com.  I don’t want to bore you with all the details of how I think taking systemic enzymes will help my infertility specifically, because I realize that antisperm antibodies are fairly rare in women; however, systemic enzymes may be used to treat several types of infertility including (but not limited to) endometriosis, ovarian cysts, fibroids, PCOS, and recurrent miscarriages.  Wobenzym N is the type of supplement used in studies on the subject, so that’s what most people recommend.  I haven’t looked yet to see if it’s sold in stores, but you can easily obtain it online.  You cannot overdose on this supplement, and studies report no severe side effects or toxicity.  Basically, systemic enzymes are found naturally in our bodies, so the supplement just adds to it.  It works as an anti-inflammatory in addition to breaking down proteins and supporting hormone production and immune function.  If you have any of these fertility problems and want a natural way to treat it, please read the article I’ve referred to in this post and do your own research.  There is a lot of information out there about the use of systemic enzymes to treat infertility.

I haven’t bought any Wobenzym N yet, but I will keep you updated as I did with the maca root powder.  Do any of you use alternative medicine?  If so, what do you use and what does it treat?

Creighton Model

Are any of you familiar with the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning (NFP)?  We used it to avoid pregnancies early on in our marriage, and then we used it for several months to attempt to achieve pregnancy when we first starting trying to conceive.  That’s how we learned so early on that I wasn’t ovulating.  We stopped using it once I had been on Clomid for a while, because the doctor required me to use an ovulation predictor kit, and the constant charting became a stressor for me.

After we ran tests and found some fertility issues with me, I wanted to use NaPro TECHNOLOGY to try to conceive.  The Creighton Model is part of NaPro TECHNOLOGY, which is a natural way of monitoring and maintaining a woman’s reproductive health.  Before I go on about our experience with it, I have to give a quick ad for the Creighton Model, because we loved it.  For those of you wanting to avoid pregnancy, please consider ditching birth control pills and finding a Creighton Model instructor (they also do skype classes for those who live in areas without an instructor).  The hormones in birth control pills are so bad for your body and are known to increase a woman’s risk of cancer.  Not to mention, it is my belief that the pill has a negative effect on couples anyway, but that’s a whole other conversation.  The Creighton Model is a MUCH better option, because it uses no medications or hormones to prevent pregnancy, and its success rate is very high.  The Creighton Model is a scientifically based method of NFP that uses mucus observations to determine fertile and infertile periods of the cycle, and it is extremely accurate.  The perfect use success rate of the Creighton Model to avoid pregnancy is 99.5%, while the typical use effectiveness is 96.8%.  That compares to a 99% perfect use and a 92% typical use for the pill.  As for those of us trying to conceive, the success rate of NaPro TECHNOLOGY to treat infertility is 1.5 to 3 times higher than IVF.  We wanted to find a NaPro TECHNOLOGY doctor to see when I was first diagnosed with infertility because of these statistics, but there were none in Alabama.  However, St. Louis has a couple of hospitals that offer NaPro TECHNOLOGY, so maybe we should go that route instead of completely giving up on trying to conceive.

Have any of you (or people you know) ever used the Creighton Model or a NaPro TECHNOLOGY doctor to overcome infertility?  What was your experience?  Do you know if they are able to treat people who produce antisperm antibodies?

Let the Monitoring Begin!

Today we finished our 3 hour appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist.  She’s a little…dry.  Not much personality, if you know what I mean.  But the appointment went very well.  It’s amazing to see God at work in these situations!  The fact that I miraculously ovulated on my own this month turned out to be an even greater blessing than we realized.  We have private health insurance, so we have to deal with the “pre-exisiting conditions” issue a lot.  This was one of those cases.  We went into the appointment today thinking that we would be talking with the financial adviser about how we would pay for our treatment plan without insurance.  We were trusting that God would provide a way, and provide He did!  Apparently, since I ovulated without any medications this month, my insurance company will not consider my infertility diagnosis as a pre-existing condition, and they will cover all of my treatments (with my copay, of course).  If I had not ovulated this month without the Clomid, they would have denied me coverage.  I am so relieved right now!  I can’t even believe it.

Also, since I ovulated on my own, I am going in on Friday to check my progesterone level.  If it’s over 12, then they will let me continue our treatment plan without medication as long as I continue ovulating on my own; if it’s under 12, they will put me on a new medication, called Letrozole.  Letrozole is actually FDA approved to treat breast cancer, but it is frequently used in Canada to treat infertility, and our clinic uses it often for infertility as well.  It has the same success rate as Clomid for making women ovulate, but it doesn’t have any of the negative side effects that come with Clomid (migraines, hot flashes, mood swings, etc.).  Also, Clomid is notorious for thickening a woman’s mucus so that sperm can’t even reach the egg.  Letrozole doesn’t affect mucus at all.  So, the plan is I will call the office on the first day of my period to schedule baseline lab work and an ultrasound.  If my progesterone levels are low this Friday, then I will take the Letrozole on days 5-9 of my cycle.  Then, on a specific day of my cycle (which will differ based on whether or not I need to take the Letrozole), I will start using an ovulation predictor kit.  As soon as 2 lines show up (regardless of how dark the lines are), I will call the office and then go in to see them the very next day.  They will do an ultrasound to see the size of my follicle.  Once it’s at 1.8 cm, they will administer an injection that will induce ovulation within 24 hours.  We will have to do “our part” the next morning.  One week later, I will go in to check my progesterone level.  If it’s at a good level, then I will go in for a blood pregnancy test one week later.  I feel like I’ll be living at the hospital through the duration of this treatment plan, but if it works, who cares!

The doctor truly believes I will be successful with this treatment plan; however, if it doesn’t work within 2 cycles, she’ll do a post coital test to check for any antibodies I may have killing off Choi’s sperm.  I’ll get one more try after that, and if it’s still unsuccessful, then we’ll move on to doing the injections, which is a much more intense plan that has very high success rates.

We feel good about this treatment plan.  I was telling Choi at the hospital today we’ve been trying so long without success that I no longer anticipate a missed period each month.  When we first starting trying to conceive, I was constantly dreaming about being pregnant.  I could picture myself with a growing belly, and I was excited to embark on birthing classes and to buy baby stuff.  But now, I can’t even begin to picture myself pregnant.  When I finally see a positive pregnancy test, I think I will be more in shock than anything!  I don’t think I’ll be able to believe there’s a baby inside of me until I see my belly get huge.  I really hope that shock will come soon!

Off the Meds

This is the most excited I’ve been in a while!  This is my first month off of Clomid as I’m waiting for Monday’s 3 hour appointment with the new fertility specialist.  This might be TMI for any male readers out there, but there is a normal mucus women get when they are fertile each month, and I haven’t had that in years.  That is until this month.  So, even though I’m off Clomid right now, I decided to use the ovulation predictor just to see what would happen.  I got a smiley face today!!!  I’m thrilled!  It’s the first time I’ve ovulated on my own in at least 2 years.  I can’t even believe it!  I may not get pregnant this month, but the fact that I’m seeing a normal cycle without any meds gives me such hope.  I finally feel like my body is working as it should!

Shattered Hearts

In this moment, I feel as though God hates me.  He’s definitely beating me up pretty badly right now.  At least that’s the way it feels in my shattered heart.

We finally got through to the U.S. Embassy in Hanoi tonight, and it appears a domestic adoption in Vietnam will not be an option for us at this time.  The adoption itself is possible, as is acquiring a visa for the child; however, we have to live in Vietnam for 2 full years with the child before the Vietnamese government will allow him/her a visa to leave the country.  That’s just not doable for us at this point in time.  We have student loans we need to pay off, Mary Liu, my sister-in-law, just moved in with us, and I don’t want my first child to spend 2 full years never meeting his grandparents or aunts and uncles.  And we asked–there are no exceptions to the rule.

I don’t understand why God would have given me such a strong yearning for motherhood long before I was married, and then never bless me with children.  We have spent so much money, time, and heartache in the last year trying to get pregnant on clomid, and that’s just not working.  I only get one more shot, and it’s not likely that will work out considering it hasn’t worked up to this point.  There’s only one other form of infertility treatments I can try, but my new insurance won’t cover it for a year.  And now it seems adoption is not an option for us right now.  So what are we to do?

People tell me I’ll get pregnant as soon as we stop trying, but that doesn’t work for everyone.  Especially considering I am unable to ovulate without fertility drugs.  You can’t get pregnant if no egg is present.  People also tell me we have time and not to worry, but none of us know how much time we have.  Our fertility only lasts for so long, and apparently I was never fertile to begin with!  People also tell me they KNOW God will give us children one day, but they know nothing.  None of us are guaranteed anything in this life.  God has no obligation to bless us with children.  And there are lots of couples out there who have been in my shoes and who have had people tell them they just know God will give them children, yet they remain childless and barren year after year.  That could easily be me.  It is very possible that Choi and I were never meant to be parents, but I honestly don’t think I can live with that.

How can I keep trusting that God has a plan for me when it seems like He’s opening doors and then slamming them in our faces every time we get excited and hopeful?  It’s like a sick game He’s playing with us.  Call me faithless, but it’s hard to be in this place.  It’s like I’m stuck in a hole, and every time I see glimmers of sunlight, it’s only for a minute before the darkness overtakes it once again.  And this hole is a lonely place to be in.  I get so tired of people around me saying they’re sure I’ll get pregnant or they know an adoption will work out some how, because although I appreciate their encouragement, I feel like none of them understand how I feel.  It hurts.  And it’s hard.  And I’m so tired of feeling let down, hopeless, and lost.  I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful blessings God has bestowed on me, like a wonderful husband who loves me more than anything, a supportive, loving family, great friends, an adorable and sweet puppy I get to nurture and take care of, a place to call home…  The list could go on for a long time.  I know I’m wrong for complaining so much and for saying I think God hates me, but that’s how I feel in this moment.  Despite all the amazing blessings in my life, I still feel a void.  I still have a burning in my soul to be a mom, and it causes me so much pain it’s unbearable.  If God’s trying to teach me something through this, I’m not catching on.  I wish He would just come right out and say what I’m supposed to be learning, because I’m sick of crying, and I’m sick of wondering if He even hears me.  This is surely the test of faith.

My Journey to Motherhood

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house, your children like olive plants around your table.

 

These words were read in our ceremony of marriage almost a year and a half ago.  They come from what many call The Wedding Psalm (Ps. 128), and Choi and I both dreamed of the day it would come true for us.  Even as high school sweethearts, we peered into the future and imagined what it would be like when we held our eldest child for the first time, when we celebrated holidays with him, when we had 6 or 7 more children to give him as siblings…  It’s true.  We both love children and we have always imagined ourselves with a houseful of them “like olive plants around your table.”

Those dreams came to a sudden halt when I still wasn’t ovulating after 6 months of trying to conceive.  This may seem like a minor complication, except it is absolutely 100% impossible to get pregnant without an egg!  No one as young as me should be facing fertility problems, yet here I am.  After a few cycles on Clomid, a medication which induces ovulation, I am still not pregnant.

 

Tomorrow I go to the hospital to have a hysterosalpinogram (HSG).  This is a test used to find underlying causes for a woman’s infertility.  As if it’s not awkward enough getting an exam from an OB-GYN, now 3 people, 2 of them complete strangers to me, have to see my hoo-ha in all its glory.  Ugh.  During this procedure, a catheter is pushed up into the uterus where it releases iodine, which then moves into the fallopian tubes.  A radiologist is in the room with an x-ray machine to capture images of the dye moving through the body.  This test will show the doctors if there is any sort of blockage in my tubes, or if I have cysts, a tumor (aah!), or scar tissue.  Minor blockage can be fixed during the procedure, but if any of these other issues are found, I may need more tests.  When my doctor told me about this procedure a few months ago, she used the word “painful” at least 9 times.  Then, when the nurse called me to schedule a date for the procedure, she too used the word “painful” quite liberally.  I do NOT like pain.  I told her I read online some doctors give the patient a sedative; she said, “We don’t do that here.  We’ll give you 3 Tylenol before the procedure, though.”  3 Tylenol?!  Wow—how generous.  There is a BIG gap between Tylenol and a sedative!!  Can’t I get something to calm my nerves at least?  Even dentists use laughing gas!  Anyway, as worried as I am about this HSG, I am also ready for answers.  Preferably they will find a fixable problem and we can move on to making babies.

 

Unfortunately, the worst part in all of this is that about a month ago, we finally got that big fat positive on a pregnancy test, only for the hope in our hearts to be ripped away from us when I miscarried just days later.  The nurse called it a “chemical pregnancy,” and told me the embryo obviously didn’t implant in my uterus correctly.  I don’t care what the medical world wants to call it, but a loss is a loss.  After months of waiting and praying in discouragement, our spirits were finally lifted.  I had been having pregnancy symptoms for more than a week—nausea, fatigue, bloating—and my period was almost a week late.  I finally took a pregnancy test that Sunday morning before church, but the test was defective and I had to wait until after church to test again.  We were supposed to be meeting friends for lunch that day, but we drove home as fast as we could first so I could take another test.  Choi and I stood in the bathroom staring at that test for what seemed like an eternity.

2 lines.  We had never seen 2 lines on a pregnancy test before.  My heart fluttered with joy!  I just couldn’t believe this was finally happening for us.  The test line was faint, but when it comes to pregnancy tests, the doctors say a positive is a positive.  We were elated!  Choi and I went shopping, just the 2 of us (or should I say 3), at the outlet mall after lunch that day.  As we walked, we shared ideas about how we should tell our families, we talked about names, we wondered what the sex would be, and we even pointed at baby clothes in the windows of stores ooing and awing over how cute we would dress our baby.  We decided that day that we would wait a couple more weeks until Easter Sunday to tell our families.  We weren’t planning to go home for Easter, but we figured the day that God made LIFE possible for our souls would be the perfect day to announce the new life God had created in me.  But, that week while I was at work, the unthinkable happened—I miscarried.

 

One well-meaning person told me he wished it would have happened before we had seen a positive pregnancy test, because then we would have never known and would have assumed it was a late period.  Please do not ever wish that for someone.  I’m glad we knew.  Every life, no matter if it’s 5 weeks, 5 months, or 105 years, should have someone who is excited for it.  Every life is beautiful, and every life should be celebrated.  I am so happy to know that we are parents and that, even though we didn’t have the chance to fulfill all the dreams we had for our child, we at least fulfilled the most important dream—that our child would know the Lord and that at the end of his/her life, he/she would meet Jesus face to face in His heavenly kingdom.  We never expected it would happen so soon for any of our children, but at least we know where this child’s soul is, and what greater comfort could we ask for?

 

(As a side note, because we want to celebrate this child’s life and to honor the fragile beauty of life itself, we chose a name.  We named our child Anh Hien, which means gentle sunlight.  This child truly was a light of hope for us, and possibly God’s gentle reminder that He’s always with us.)

 

Some days I feel at peace with our long, winding journey to parenthood, but other days I just sit and cry.  Unfortunately, this past week has been filled with more tears than peace.  I feel so hopeless at times.  If I am not pregnant by August, the only option left for us to have a biological child is IVF, and we are both morally and religiously opposed to IVF.  So, here we are, our hope dwindling, and our hearts sinking further into despair.  And of course, it’s when I’m at my weakest that couple after couple announces to me they are expecting.  I am genuinely happy for all of them, but every time I hear the words come out of their mouths, I have to force myself to smile and push down the pangs of jealousy within.  But, tomorrow is a new day, and I can only hope it will be better than today.

 

I know God has a plan for us.  I just keep reminding myself that having a child is not a right—it’s a blessing, a gift.  I truly believe deep in my heart that God will bless us with that houseful of children “like olive plants around your table.”  We just have to be patient and trust in the God who gives and takes away.