“Home”

Being “home” has been an interesting adjustment.  We lived away in Birmingham for almost 5 years, and things are very different here in the metro-east St. Louis area than they once were.  We really have no friends here–only acquaintances.  People have changed.  We have changed.  There are subdivisions where there were once fields, roads where there were once trees.  Many businesses and restaurants no longer exist, yet many others are now open in their places.  Even though we have come “home,” it kind of feels like we are in a new place starting life all over again, which definitely has its pros and cons.

We are so thankful to live near family again.  We had AMAZING friends in Birmingham, but nothing beats family.  It’s also nice to talk to people we haven’t seen in years despite the fact that we don’t really know them anymore.  However, this has it’s down side, too.  The worst part of being here has been people nosing around wanting to know about our family planning plans.  I’m guessing about 90% of the people I’ve run into from our past have asked me if we moved back here because I’m pregnant.  When I say no, they ask if we are going to have children soon.  I know they don’t mean anything by these questions–it’s simply curiosity.  But for me, it’s a constant reminder of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to me.  I can feel the sting in my eyes as soon as I hear the words start coming out of their mouths.  What do I tell them?  I was pregnant once and miscarried?  We’ve been trying to conceive for a year and half?  The doctors say our chances of conceiving naturally is slim?  We’ve tried all kinds of medicines as well as IUI and none of it worked to get me pregnant?  We desperately want children but may never be able to have them?  We want to adopt and can’t afford it right now?

I know our year and a half of trying to conceive doesn’t even compare to these couples who have been trying for say 10 years, but the pain is very real.  I get so frustrated when friends of mine tell me they are trying to conceive and they start crying saying it’s already been 2 months and they still aren’t pregnant.  (Believe it or not, I’ve had this conversation with 3 people already.)  When trying to conceive, every negative pregnancy test is heart-breaking, but I do miss those early months when I still believed I would get pregnant the next month.  I still had tons of hope then.  But that was before I was diagnosed with infertility.  That was before we learned I produce an antibody to sperm.  Now my hope dwindles.  Now I’m in a life crisis almost, because I’ve always imagined myself having lots of children and now that’s not happening.  I went to college and still imagined myself one day being a hard-working wife and mother at home, yet here I am childless and people keep asking what I plan on doing.  Everyone wants to know my career path, and even though we do feel called to start a non-profit and are hoping to start working toward that now that we are living near St. Louis again, I am now having to question my purpose in life.  That may sound dramatic to some of you, but like I said before, we wanted to have a big family, and we always thought we would have a baby by now and I would be a stay-at-home mom.  We had a plan for how that would work into our non-profit and everything.  But now that we have no children, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I never wanted a job (or career, you may call it) to define my life, yet that’s how society works these days. Call us old-fashioned, but Choi and I always planned for him to support us financially, for me to take care of the home and children, and for our entire family to fulfill God’s calling on our lives to help street children in Vietnam.  You know how they say life never turns out the way you expect it to?  That couldn’t be more true in my case.  We have no baby, we are in the United States, and we are not working with children of any kind.  God is still in control and He still has a great plan for us, but it’s definitely not what we expected.  We aren’t sure if God will ever bless us with children, but we do hope and pray everyday that He will, whether it be through adoption or natural conception.  And we still feel called to work with street children, but God has shown us a new way to attain that goal that is much different than we originally foresaw.

Have any of you ever been in my shoes?  Have you ever had a curve ball thrown into your plans for your life?  Have you ever found yourself unable to conceive and unsure of where to go from there?  I’d love to hear your stories and what you did to move forward with peace.