My blog is in desperate need for an update! I have been so busy these past couple of weeks that I’ve neglected blogging for a while.
Where to begin… Well, my husband, who has been unemployed for the past 7 months (which is really saying something considering I do not work outside the home), was given the opportunity to work part time at a restaurant run by a family friend. It’s not the most glamorous job and it doesn’t bring in a lot of money, but it has been a huge blessing to us in this long interim. And in bigger news, the job we’ve been waiting for all this time is finally about ready for him. He should be starting in July or August, though we’re told they are striving for July. We are finally beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel! We have been stressed beyond belief these past months, but I can honestly say that God has not forsaken us (even though it felt that way at times). He has provided for us all along the way, and He has given us what we need for peace of mind every time we feel we’re at our wits end and beg Him for a sign that He’s still with us.
If only I felt the same way about our infertility. I have yet to feel at peace about not being able to have children, but we’re seeking God’s will each and every day. Hopefully one day we will understand why He made us wait so long and suffer so much for our children (assuming He blesses us with any children at all). I’m reminded of a reflection by the late Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan in the collection of his reflections he wrote while in prison for his faith titled Prayers of Hope, Words of Courage.
He wrote:
I will let you act, Lord.
May listening to your Word, who is Christ, enrich my life.
There is nothing you cannot do, Lord.
You made Abraham and Sarah,
Zachariah and Elizabeth fruitful.
Silence!
When you act, we must be silent and listen…
When you are here, we must be silent,
abandon our worries,
and conquer our hesitation.
The sign that God is at work,
is that the people of this world
are reduced to silence.
To act in me, Lord,
you require that I be silent,
like Mary and Joseph.
I will let you speak, Lord,
for as long as you wish,
in the way you wish,
and at the hour you wish,
because, Lord Jesus,
you are the Word itself.
You will speak when your hour has come.
Perhaps one must wait thirty years…
Indeed, you began to preach
only after Joseph’s death.
But the last word, Lord, will be yours.
God still works miracles, and He still makes Himself known to us, but we must first LISTEN for His voice! That means we must stop doing the talking for a change. When you are desperately longing for children, it’s hard to stop begging God to create a child within you long enough to sit in silence, waiting for His reply. I am doing my best to silence the world around me and the thoughts within my head so I can listen for God’s voice, but it is so hard!
One thing that is really helping me is we are currently visiting St. Francis de Sales Oratory, a church in St. Louis that only offers the Traditional Latin Mass. We have fallen madly in love with the Traditional Latin Mass. Its beauty is enough to take your breath away, and I love that it encourages both diversity and unity all at once. For noncatholics, let me explain. The ordinary form of the mass is in the vernacular–that was a change made in the 1960’s with the Second Vatican Council. Before Vatican II, Catholic masses were always said in Latin, with the homily being said in the vernacular. (Before that, mass was said in Greek.) The Latin mass has continued post Vatican II in what’s called the extraordinary form of the mass. The reason I say it encourages both diversity and unity is because people from all over the world can come together in one church to pray the Latin mass and still understand what’s going on and worship together, because one language is being used worldwide. And it’s a dead language, so words and phrases can never evolve into new meanings like in living languages. I think it’s absolutely incredible! By knowing the Latin mass, I can go into a church in any part of the world that offers the extraordinary form of the mass and fully understand and worship along with the people there. Wow! That just blows my mind.
(St. Francis de Sales Oratory, St. Louis)
I also feel the Latin mass encourages reverence and silent prayer. Reverence, because women wear long modest skirts and veils cover our hair when in the church out of respect for Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, and there is silence in the church before and after mass. In addition, confession is offered before EVERY mass, and there is always a long line, which shows the people there take sin very seriously. Also, many people don’t like that there are fewer responses in the Latin mass as compared to the ordinary form of the mass, but I like that, because I am involved in mass in a totally different way. Pope St. Pius X once said, “Don’t pray at Holy Mass, but pray the Holy Mass.” When attending the extraordinary form of the mass, many people bring a missal with them so they can follow along, but even if you don’t have one, churches usually have booklets for you to follow the mass step by step, typically with explanations on the sides of the pages. It contains both the Latin and English side by side, and all the prayers said by the priest, whether aloud or to himself, are written out in the booklet so you can pray along with him. I love that! We are so blessed to have a parish in our area that offers the Traditional Latin Mass!
Going to the Latin mass and learning to “pray the Holy Mass”, as Pope St. Pius X said, is helping me to learn the art of silence before God. I hope He will eventually break the silence and speak into my heart. I want to see the big picture of my life that God sees. Just a glimpse of it. But if I knew what God had planned for my future, I guess there would be no such thing as blind faith or hope. And so, I silently wait for God to act.
This Luminous Road I Travel 